You know you’ve got it bad when you wake up at 4am, look at your watch, cuss, wake up at 5am, look at your watch, cuss, then finally open your eyes around 6:30am, give in to what your brain is doing, and let it eat you alive for a couple hours before you say fuck it, rain or not, I’m getting out, and taking some god damn pictures!
After months of days in the 90’s (well, probably weeks, but heat like that sucks), it feels like winter when it is in the lower 50’s. Talk to me in January, and we’ll see what I say then. It’ll probably be something like “This is basically Africa HOT!”.
When I edit these pictures in post, I’m noticing that on the computer they’re MUCH brighter than they are on my phone. I’ll try and make them brighter next time I’m out stuffing light into my time machine.
Anyhow, after yesterday’s uncontrollable body convulsions caused by memory lane sobbing, today, well… Today, no one can see your tears when they’re covered in rain drops.
I would like to say real quick, that this blog is 99.9% part of my process. I need to get right with myself, and this, walking, photography, and unhealthy eating habits (or lack of eating) are the best outlets for me at the moment. My normal escapes are slathered in memories of part of my life that I’m desperately trying to move through. I can be sappy sometimes, I can be ice cold, but the process of healing, growing, and becoming the best man I can be is messy, ugly, and painful (I really hope it isn’t always painful, because it is exhausting).
As is the norm right now I used “All Trails” (should take you to today’s walk/hike) to find this one. I’m starting to think that if you just hike a trail long enough, it’ll be called something else eventually. Monday’s trial was the “Centennial Trail”, and walking up to this one, when you have to go left or right (always go left, cuz lefties are awesome), the sign said “Centennial Trail” either direction you went.
Tomorrow is my appointment with my therapist (I’ve got tomorrow off, the video session is at 9am, I don’t think I can get a hike in before the session). I fucking hope I can hold it together long enough to express how difficult it is for me to feel any sense of progress, any progress through the assignments, and how vigorously I despise being on medication that doesn’t seem to work but comes with all the side effects (insomnia, fidgety, restless, dry mouth, no appetite, constantly exhausted.. and still flooded daily with anxiety, insecurity, depression, low self worth, and relentless replaying of memories, feelings, and thoughts that are absolute torture). Times like this, I really wish I had a “best friend” to lean on, encourage me, help with ideas to push through, and pat my back while I sob uncontrollably while reassuring me I’m alright, this is normal, and we’ll go have ice cream when my crying fit has passed.
Please take care of your selves, I’m sure you’ve had to move through your own journeys, and hopefully you found healthy outlets to move through the grief, pain, loss, and sorrow. Most of the days are sad right now, but everyone, everything I read, and what I feel is that “eventually” there will be less sad days, than normal days, then more good days than sad or normal days.
Here’s to you single on purpose warriors.