Proactive, Tempered Enthusiasm, and Blurry Photos

Tonight’s hike was my favorite night loop. Under 3 miles, not too hard, great views, nice park bench, and a great hike to revisit the mind.

I haven’t had too many bad days in a couple weeks. A few blips of insecurities (I need to get a grip on my insecurities, I do not like how they make me think or feel), a little disappointed with myself on holding my boundaries last week, and a few focused talks with myself to back away from taking things too seriously, or expecting anything from my thoughts.

Tonight, I spent at least 45 minutes at the top, sitting on the park bench, playing with my camera, and thinking deeply about where my mind is, where I need to be careful with it, and where I need to push it into growing stronger. I thought about my insecurities, and why I feel them when I do. I think I am getting too focused on what makes me happy instead of what I need to do in order to grow. I am thinking a lot about how to balance the two, and if they need to be separated, or if I can accomplish both at the same time.

I still do the things I did to get to where I am, but I’ve added live emotions to the mix. I still listen to the books that taught me how to relate my anxiety, depression, and feelings to real life situations. I still see my therapist, I still take my pills, and I still hike, take pictures, and blog. I meditate, practice the tools that I’ve learned over the last year, and I don’t panic when my mind won’t shut up. Where it is different, is that I have a person in my life that has shown me things with out even trying. She’s shown me that you can be funny, friendly, kind, open, honest, scared, and grow, all at the same time. I think we’ve got a mutual worry about one another that keeps us a little more cautious than I would normally be.

It is a scary, exciting, growing time in my life right now. I know there is going to be pain in my future (I can feel it, it may just be a thought, but it is constant, and I hope I am wrong), but the happiness and fullness I’ve felt over the last few weeks will be as rebuilding as any of the other things I’ve learned. Regardless of where this experience goes, I feel that it’s been healthy, and mutually nurturing.

The hike was relatively uneventful. I have started to notice that I trip (and almost fall), a lot more than I usually do. I don’t know if it is because I am walking too fast, or looking around instead of paying attention to the trail’s obstacles. I really don’t want to fall down because my camera is probably going to take a hit, and this trail has a pretty steep drop off for the last half of the trial. I really don’t want to tumble down while I’m in shorts and a t-shirt (my butt bag with heavy tripod, and my walking sticks strapped to my hands might also make for an exciting tumble).

The images didn’t turn out very good at all (used my least favorite lens tonight, and I just can’t seem to get the focus right – I need to read up on that a LOT).