When I woke up this morning, I thought it was going to be a day of sorrow at the loss of my old camera. Last night before bed, I reset the camera, pulled the batteries, pulled the lens off, and let it sit in the corner until it came to terms with what it did yesterday while we were hiking.
This morning, I put my favorite lens on (Kalimar 50mm f/1.7), and SNAPPED A PICTURE!
I put the strap around my neck and ran out to hike, then remembered I needed food, to pick up some stamps, and mail a letter. Adulting is the priority sometimes. When I got home, I walked around trying to think of something to take a picture of just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming this morning. So here you have it, the camera is apparently alive and well (Ain’t using that new fancy lens no more).
This one is of my Nixie Tube Clock that I built in 2014. It’s been ticking alone most of that time. I’m always worried one of the Nixie Tubes will burn out and I’ll have to find a replacement, but for now, it is a little smile in the corner of my living room.
Finally, my happy face. I was so seriously grateful when it worked this morning. I am going to hike a little tonight or in the morning because DAMMMMNIT.. Lately hiking, photography and writing in this blog are what keep me focused on healing, growing, and learning how to have true integrity, honesty, and compassion for those in my life (and for myself because guilt is a vicious mistress).
If anyone reads this far down, and has told me “It’s so good to see you happy”. Well, when selfies are involved, you smile (I’m pretty sure that’s an unwritten rule). It’s pretty much as simple as that. Robin Williams never showed us his pained soul when the cameras were on him (unless it was part of his roll). Anthony Bourdain never appeared to the outside world as a man dealing with demons so strong they crippled him at night and forced his escape.
Many of us are the same way. We buck up, smile big, and brave the world on a daily basis. I’m thankful I have family to talk to, get support from, and allow me to ask honest questions, receive honest answers, and support me when I decide to move forward with something very scary for me. I have very few close friends, and I do not expose myself as much as I probably should to them (emotionally), but they’ve always offered to listen. The best friend I ever had is on her own journey to heal, grow, change, and better herself. Getting to know her now, would be like two people being introduced again for the first time. She makes me proud to have known her, inspires me to stay on this path, and there aren’t enough words in my vocabulary to express to her the ache I have inside for all the times I wasn’t present, wasn’t able to connect, and lacked the communication bravery to express why I was so distant.
Here is a picture of me from a couple days ago. I’m not sure why I’m posting it, but this is what I look like after a really shitty day, really tired, and after a pretty good hike. I don’t remember the day exactly, I just remember thinking I should document this for my journey, my process, my growing and healing.
Your very tired, exhausted, but moving through the bad stuff guy ~ Justin
