Apologetic Laxity For Reasons

Inside my head, writing in this blog is as vital to my healing journey, and self care process as seeing my therapist, photography, hiking, and the medication I take (not anything big, just anxiety/depression stuff). Yesterday however, I decided to offer my help, unasked for, unrequested, and hopefully appreciated. This blog is a little about my walk today, and a lot about why it was necessary to miss yesterday’s post.

I’ve got an ex girlfriend that was such a huge part of my life, and showed me so much love, respect, and effort that I feel forever in her debt for who I am trying to become. She’s the reason I KNOW or KNEW I was letting my EGO lure me into thinking I was a good guy. She told me specific instances, moments, and situations that I was a cruel man to her. She laid out the words like a gentle surgeon. They weren’t filled with anything hurtful, or angry. They were spoken with matter of fact, carefully worded sentences, and stripped to what was necessary. They were delivered over a month or two, little by little. I owe her a debt of gratitude, and hope with every fiber in me that she is happy, safe, and fulfilled in her life moving forward.

What brought me to feel the need to take her some lunch, a hug, and an open mind, was the difficult times she’s been facing over the last two months. Her cousin was in a motorcycle accident almost two months ago. She hit her head very hard, has been in a coma this entire time, and they’re starting to talk about what to do going forward. My ex isn’t very forthcoming with her situation outside of her cousin, but I can feel that there is more than that under the surface. I don’t bother her with those things, only offering to help her with the grief she’s going through with her cousin.

The other day she was texting me a bit strange compared to normal. I told her it was confusing me, and she mentioned a few things that were easily misconstrued. I asked her not to say those things, and she opened up about her cousin, and some of what is going on. I got ready to go up there in that moment, but she asked me not to. So yesterday, with out her knowing, I drove up there, prepared either way for her to accept my offer, or turn around and go back home. I was there to feed her, listen to her, and give her a hug. If she had said no, then I would have driven back home, and kept my support as impersonal as she needed.

Originally what was going to be about 20 minutes, turned into 90 minutes. We talked about us for a while (I was trying to keep her mind free of her current struggles as long as I could), then she started telling my about her cousin, and the struggle’s my ex is having with making some very grave decisions moving forward. The empathy side of me hurts with her, and the only thing I felt like I would be able to accept in her situation was a kind ear to listen to me, a strong shoulder to rest my head on, and arms to hold me together while I let myself fall apart. She’s much much stronger than that. She accepted the food, conversation, and a couple hugs. Inside herself, she understands that she has no choice but to handle the pain, possible regret, and loss of her cousin. Seeing her tears remind me, and give me the same feelings inside as when I saw my children, sister, mother, or father crying. The helpless to do anything for them struggle, and deep need to take the pain away from them as much as I can. So this is why I missed my hike, and blogging yesterday, to help a friend, or try to at least. A friend that is important to me like family, and a woman my children look up to in so many ways you would think she was adopted into my family circle. When she needs me or my family, we’re always going to do our best to be there for her.

Today’s Walk:

This morning’s walk was my first with a group I joined on MeetUps. I’m in several groups, but haven’t felt comfortable with the situation to attend any of their hikes (I’m going tomorrow night for a sunset hike. If it goes well, I’ll be attending a lot more hikes with that group. If it goes like I hope it doesn’t, I will exit the group, and find another way to hike with people).

Today’s walk (I call it a walk because it was about a mile, around a pond, paved, and not a lot to take pictures of), was the Bountiful Lake Loop. An easy 1.3 mile loop around a small fishing lake (pond), with little islands in the middle. Quite a few birds, but they weren’t very active. Maybe closer to migration season. I almost got a few good pictures of some good looking water fowl, but they hid behind some grass and absconded with my opportunity.

Only took a few pictures, here’s what I gathered (I’ve got a few more, but their on Google Photos, and I can’t get them yet).