“B” is for “Build”

Today’s hike was needed in a plethora of ways, but mostly because I’ve been slacking on getting up there, slacking on keeping my thoughts in check, and slacking on being protective with myself.

It’s kind of crazy how fast your body flops back to “how it used to be” when you ease up on your physical routine. I still feel like my hiking is adequate for anywhere I want to hike, but my waist line begs to differ. My appetite is back more than I’d like, and I have lost some of my gusto to go hike since I’ve hiked about all the trials that looked interesting, and hiked a few lots of times to where I don’t really feel the urge to hike them again. Today I drove up to Brigham City Utah and hiked a little trail that turned around at the “B” on the mountain. It was a good length, but more than 3/4 of the hike was on an access road. I don’t really have anything against hiking on access roads, but it never feels like “hiking” to me, it feels like taking a walk on a road, in the mountains (this road was steep and it was a good workout but still.. it was a dirt access road).

With my hike underway, and feeling the much needed burn in my calves, backs of my arms from my hiking poles, and my breath slowly growing more and more labored, I welcomed the sweat. Hard physical labor is the best way I know to shut your mind down for a little bit, focus on anything but what you’ve been worrying about, and just be in the moment. For me, being in the moment has always been very difficult, and this hike, was specifically to keep me in the moment so my mind could rest a little bit.

A few weeks ago (maybe less than that), my thoughts were running me into the ground. Emotionally wearing me out, and keeping me from enjoying the moments that were developing around me and in my life. Once again I let them take over too much, and really needed to put them back in their place. I had a really good therapy session today, but it left me utterly exhausted. No tears, or issues really, just hard thinking, interrogating the thoughts I was having, and speaking out loud about what I am and am not willing to let my mind do in certain situations. I’m trying really hard (now that I know there’s a difference) to sort my thoughts into what is realistic, and what is fantasy (or thoughts that have no evidence for their existence in my mind). If they’re realistic then I can and should peruse them, and act on them (thinking about plans I have for the weekend, thinking about the next hiking group meeting, or thinking about the laundry I need to get folding – they are real, attainable factual based thoughts). When I start to think fictionally, I need to let them pass by and move through them (I’ve really struggled with anxiety induced value to others with out even knowing either way if there’s value added by my presence in their life, I’ve struggled with thoughts about things I should ask not assume, things I should say and not expect (or take for granted they already know my feelings or intent). These assumptive thoughts, or expectations, need to be halted inside myself before they do harm to any relationship I value externally.

Finally, I needed this hike to build my repertoire of protection again. When you’re finding that you are becoming to comfortable with someone that is, in all actuality, still very new to you, it is almost an act of self sabotage to drop your guard and start acting like you feel. This is where my therapist and I worked a lot today. Round and round I went trying to figure out “where do I balance my feelings with my actions?” Up there in the last paragraph I talked about thoughts. This is where thoughts are being sorted vigorously to separate factual from fictional. I can only assume the reaction I would receive if I kept expressing how I felt in actions. These thoughts about what I “think” would happen if I kept going down this path are not based on anything factual. I have also hurt myself, with my own thoughts, and insecurities that aren’t even related to my current relationship. (It really REALLY sucks when my past experiences negatively effect my present circumstances). I know everyone carries around something from their past that they unintentionally project on other people in their lives, but I’m really working hard to identify these in myself, and guide them by like I do any other fictional thought I catch invading my peaceful mind.

So that was today’s hike in its metaphorical glory. Like many of my posts, once I click public, and give it a proof read (I seem to find my mistakes AFTER it’s live even though I can read the entire thing 10 times before I click publish and see nothing).

To everyone that’s listened or read my circular drama, seen me go silent because I was doing everything I could not to cry, and everyone that’s seen me absolutely loose my shit and still stay in my life, I appreciate each and every one of you. You’re a piece of who I am in an uncountable myriad of ways.

I’m’ma drop all the pics in here, edited or not, this is the shit pile that is today’s nature therapy session (I think that bee was actually a fly posing as a bee, but he wouldn’t talk to me). ~me